Life on Earth isn't only about happiness and rainbows. Take gravity, for example. If you are lucky enough to live to a ripe old age, gravity will slowly crush you into a shadow of your former self, leaving a twisted husk for the maggots to devour. Pop culture is not unlike gravity. It slowly pulls you down despite every seeming peak of a Searching for Sugar Man or Fault In Our Stars. With that, I present to you my weekly lowpoints:
G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013) - Disclaimer: As a young boy I was a He-Man devotee. As such, my commitment to the G.I. Joe legacy is tenuous. Dolph Lundgren and Courtney Cox teamed up to produce the perfect He-Man movie when I was just a lad, a movie so successful that no man has attempted to best it. G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra was an atrocious first entry in the series and Hasbro does not have a strong identity in film production, so the latest film does not have much to live up to. Ultimately, I don't hate the movie itself. However, I loathe the idea of the movie. Look what they reduced Jonathan Pryce to for God's sake! Perhaps this entire movie is part of the dreams in his head at the end of Brazil. Let me sum it up this way, Duke dies within the first 15 minutes. This is the G.I. Joe equivalent of Cyclops dying offscreen in X-Men: The Last Stand. Destro: Dies in the first third. Or at least his eyes did, since that's all I ever got to see. That left me with the Rock, Friday Night Lights girl and generic action filler for the rest of the film. Until Bruce Willis showed up in a completely incomprehensible role. I think it is time to stop pretending that John McClane has anything left in the tank. He looks like a frail old man with a wrinkly neck flap. But enough about that. There's a cool fight scene on a mountain with Darth Snake Eyes and the Cobra vehicles rang with some level of authenticity. I can't believe in addressing the elephant in the room...why is there not a PSA at the end of the closing credits?
Doritos Loco Cool Ranch Taco - Punk Rock Girl has been relentless with her interest in this new offering from Taco Bell. Yesterday she was finally given the opportunity to try one at my behest. I declined to participate in this particular taste test. I had tried the original Doritos taco and primarily found fault with its delivery system, which requires a cardboard sleeve to aid consumption. I was not willing to use this contraption or dirty my hands with Doritos dust. But her love of Cool Ranch Doritos is absolute so I decided to play matchmaker. Punk Rock Girl was a trooper in the face of certain gastrointestinal distress, finishing the entire taco. The ultimate verdict: Never again. God did not intend for these two creations to intertwine in such a manner. I can only assume it was deliciousness overload that her mind could not comprehend. Maybe we'll try again when humanity develops a sense capable of appreciating the full package. In the meantime, I wait for the latest creation from the future diabetics who brought you the KFC Famous Bowl:
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