The ensuing years since idyllic 1988 have resulted in four sequels to Die Hard, with increasingly vomit inducing titles. With the release of the fifth film earlier this year, it was clear that the filmmakers are openly mocking the few remaining people that might actually pay for tickets. Therefore, I have recognized my duty to place some context on this hallowed franchise, in the hopes that people can continue to enjoy this masterpiece without getting bogged down in the parody of it all. In order to do so, I have attempted to use math and science, engaging partners at both Rotten Tomatoes (rottentomatoes.com) and Metacritic (metacritic.com) to achieve an accurate picture of the critical response to each film. While Rotten Tomatoes measures the percentage of critics responding favorably to a film, it fails to measure the level of reaction to the film. Conversely, Metacritic measures the average score of each critic, but does not give the overall sense of critical consensus inherent to Rotten Tomatoes. For example, a movie could receive a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, which seems outstanding. But if each review was only slightly positive (let's say 2.5 out of 4 stars), Metacritic would reflect only a 63 out of 100 score for the same set of reviews. Not so great, is it? So for my extremely scientific analysis (I wear glasses, so this is about as legit as it gets), I have multiplied these two numbers together to arrive at a number I call the Filmic Coefficient of Ultimate Goodness (FCUG). Without further ado, here it is:
Die Hard (1988; FCUG: .658) - This film speaks for itself. If you doubt me, watch it again. Or if you haven't seen it, you should probably shrivel up and die. Bruce Willis at his best. A perfect screenplay. Alan Rickman in a role where he isn't a bumbling alcoholic and doesn't look like a Trent Reznor with a wand. (I know what you're saying, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Look again. That movie doesn't exist. Prove to me that it does. You can't. So shut up and forget it.) Carl from Family Matters. FBI Agents Johnson and Johnson...no relation. No, but it's going to need a paint job and a shitload of screen doors. Now I have a machine gun, ho ho ho. I AM AN EFF BEE EYE AGENT! (Keanu! How did you get in here? We're not discussing Point Break today.)
It is important to note that John McClane had two children and a wife that is coming to visit in Los Angeles, which sets up this whole movie. He and his wife have clear marital tension, as demonstrated by their bicoastal living and her use of her maiden name. The children are young and play a small role in the film, but they will come into play before long. For all intents and purposes, McClane appears to be a caring, respectful father. But he never actually has interaction that would demonstrate this. After all, he let them move away in the first place.
Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990; FCUG: .4489) - Die Hard, meet director Renny Harlin. Renny Harlin, meet mediocrity. Oh, you've already met? Of course you did. You married Geena Davis. Then she left and you dressed Saffron Burrows up to look like Geena Davis in a movie about Samuel L. Jackson getting eaten by a shark.
Not sure what happened here. Or to put it differently, I know exactly what happened here. Die Hard made money and they rushed out a sequel. And they put that subtitle on it: Die Harder. Get it? It's Die Hard...but moreso. How can you lose? It may be the second most mocked sequel title ever, following Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. Unless...is that subtitle German? Let me check Google Translate. Ok, I was mistaken this whole time. Die Harder is actually German for The Harder, which makes slightly more sense.
This movie was all that the "er" implies. More of the same. Jokes about how the same thing can happen to the same guy twice. A guy gets stabbed in the eye with an icicle (THE PERFECT CRIME!). And Holly McClane doesn't die in a plane crash. Although she might as well have, since it's the last we see of her. And just when they were reconciling! The point is, this one was about the money. It's non-essential viewing. Feel free to skip it if it isn't your bag. That FCUG is a remnant of good will toward the original. Bruce Willis still had hair at that point though, which is a good sign.
Die Hard: With a Vengeance (1995; FCUG: .3016) - Firstly, ignore that FCUG. This is the undisputed second best movie in the series. Undisputed. Someone clearly knew they were going off the tracks after the second one so they regrouped and brought back original Die Hard director John McTiernan, who was able to take time out of his busy schedule paying private detectives to spy on his wife. The genius in this one was very simple: Subtract the "Die Hard" scenario of a confined space in favor of a sprawling terrorist cat and mouse game (or is it?), but bring back an old friend in the form of the Gruber family. I like to imagine that Alan Rickman and Jeremy Irons really were brothers. That would have been a pretentious little household, probably accompanied by lots of skipping from room to room.
The point is, we had fun together, this movie and I. Samuel L. Jackson was a good addition. The memorable lines may not have been there, but they maintain the intensity for a solid 90 minutes. This film deserves proper respect for cleaning up the mess of Die Harder. A couple of things are missing in this film however. 1. A number. This is not Die Hard 3. It is, but it isn't. This is not problematic in itself, but it would pave the way for the crimes against humanity that would follow down the line. 2. No Holly McClane. No Holly Gennaro. No kids. Which, again, is fine. He is a crusty old cop, we knew that. So there was a divorce somewhere in the mix, she took the kids. He didn't change. It was actually refreshing to have a scenario that rang true to real life. Saving his family from terrorists couldn't save his marriage. I like it. This was a fitting conclusion to the series...except:
Live Free or Die Hard (2007; FCUG: .5589) - Twelve years later this monstrosity emerged from the ashes. One year prior to the release of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, it also laid waste to cherished childhood memories. Again, ignore the FCUG. If I was aware that science would stab me in the back, I never would have used that approach. I can only assume that the 12-year gap between movies was to allow Justin Long to hit puberty and Kevin Smith to gain enough mass to crash back to Earth. BECAUSE THEY WERE IN THIS MOVIE! As actors, saying words and stuff. Is there a movie that represents more clearly the softness of the action genre during this decade than a major role awarded to Justin Long?
But perhaps this movie would have been forgettable if we all just dropped it here. My main takeaway was that given the correct calculations, a human can run down the wing of a flying jet and jump off without serious injury. That is useful knowledge. Die Hard was never dependent on huge action pieces but this movie forgot to remember that.
Mary Elizabeth Winstead. She should be thankful that Maggie Gyllenhaal exists. It means that she is not the worst actress of her general stature. She does a serviceable job as Nondescript McClane Child (Female) in this movie, at least in comparison to the other elements. Her character should not be in the movie, but I guess that is a moot point.
Len Wiseman directed it. His only truly successful effort so far was impregnating Kate Beckinsale, and that was probably an accident. She was a better match with Michael Sheen anyway, but you know what Beyonce says about putting a ring on it.
A Good Day to Die Hard (2013; FCUG: .042) - Finally, we arrive at modern day. Was it really six years since the last installment? Bruce Willis looks old. Senior citizen old. He is not the tough guy that he used to be. And the whole point of his persona was that he wasn't the tough guy. He was the determined, everyman that got things done because of his "Can Do" attitude. He is America made flesh.
So here's the problem with this film. (Let me pause to point out that FCUG of .042. Science works.) Nondescript McClane Child (Male) shows up and he's a criminal or maybe he's an EFF BEE EYE AGENT (Seriously, Keanu. You're gonna have to chill out. No more Kool-Aid.) Then in a totally shocking twist, it turns out that we don't care.
The worst crime of all is that we finally get some insight into the fathering abilities of John McClane. It turns out that he's a complete asshole as a father. He ridicules and bullies his grown son, and they imply a long history of this behavior. So what about that man that blew up half of Nakatomi Plaza in order to save his wife? Doesn't matter. He probably yelled at his son when he lost a Little League game. I'd be willing to bet that he hit him at least once when he was a child. If he found out his son was gay, he probably would have drowned him.
At this point, I am not only failing to enjoy the latest Die Hard with an absurd title. I now hate the original Die Hard. I wish John McClane had been killed by Hans Gruber. At least then, Holly Gennaro/McClane could have remarried and the McClane children would have had a chance at a loving male role model. Am I reading into this too much? I probably should have known he wasn't a good father when his wife packed up the kids and moved to California. But his positives seemed to outweight the negatives. Now, I'm not so sure. Of course, this is all based on the assumption that A Good Day to Die Hard actually exists and it wasn't just a fever dream. That remains to be seen.
Parting Thoughts
I want to make this very clear. Regardless of math, these are the official Die Hard Quality Rankings from best to worst:
- Die Hard
- Die Hard: With a Vengeance
- Under Siege
- Die Hard 2: The Harder
- Where the Die Hard Things Are
- How Stella Got Her Die Hard Back
- Willy Wonka and the Die Hard Factory
